ok. i realise that some people may be confused about what the hell is going on with me lately. now that i have some time and some energy, i figured i'd go over the whole thing and clarify. to save time, i'll just be honest and quick about it.

will and i met at cosi. the first nite i met him was when i knew i wanted to be with him. the first nite i met him was also when he told me he was a heroin addict. long story short, he kept showing up at my work and would sit at the bar for hours and talk to me. he was high most of the time, and i knew it, but i just didn't want to believe it. he eventually asked me out, i said yes, but couldn't find him for a little while. eventually, i dragged him out to the diner one nite, and we ended up spending the whole weekend together. he didn't want to have sex for several reasons, none of which i'll bother going in to. as you can imagine, it was incredibly frustrating, especially when he would do something so adorable that it hurt. he eventually decides to kiss me, and it was all downhill from there. we got into a fight that nite about his heroin problem, and he ended up sleeping on the couch. things were weird for a little while after, and i was pretty upset about everything, so i ended up hooking up with jon in order to spite will. things got better, they got a lot better, actually. i ended up getting him drunk one nite, knowing full well what would happen, and we finally slept together. good times.

one nite, i'm supposed to meet will after work, but after calling his cosi, i find out he never showed up for work. i get freaked out, because he normally calls when he says he will and had never broken any plans before. i go home that nite terrified that he's dead in a crackhouse in north philly somewhere. the next morning, i get a phone call from the police department saying they have will locked up. he used me as a reference, so they called me asking to verify some information so they could let him out on R.O.R. i lied the whole time, but luckily he had told me before what his alias was and all that. this was the fifth time he's been arrested, the fourth conviction. i think i'm never going to see him again. the next nite, i'm working register at cosi, crying every half and hour, worried sick about him. and i look out the window and see him walking towards the door. i run out, throw myself on him in the pouring rain and cry for what seemed like ten minutes. we finally go inside, and he goes home with me that nite.

i should have stopped it right then and there.

fast forward to the nite of chris's birthday party. this was probably the best nite i've ever spent with a guy. he told me he loved me, we had fun at the party, even more fun afterwards.

and then, all of a sudden, things start to change. he left my apartment on a thursday morning, and i knew something was wrong. i didn't want to leave. i didn't want him to leave. after that day, i hadn't heard from him in a week. a week turns into two weeks. i call his roommate, april, because he doesn't have a phone, so the only way to get in touch with him is through her. i find out later that she never gave him my messages and never picked up her phone because she's insanely jealous of me. i show up at the place he works at now, demanding answers. he gives me excuse after excuse, and he tells me he hasn't been shooting up since he last saw me. he promises to call me that weekend, but doesn't.

it's a new month, and i'm starting to get scared that i'm pregnant because i'm a little late. i'm at work one nite, and will comes walking in, really high. i tell him that i'm scared that i might be pregnant, and he looks me in the eye and promises me that he'll come see me the next day. he never showed up. i cry and cry and cry and decided that that's it. no more. we're done.

monday nite, i go home for dinner at my parents' house. right after dinner, my phone rings, and it's will. "i came to cosi to see you, i wanted to talk to you." "i'm at home in southwest, how long you gonna be there?" "i'll wait for you." "all right, i'll be there." mom drops me off at cosi. i walk in, knowing exactly what i want to say - i've gone over it in my mind hundreds of times. everyone who's working stops talking and stares at me when i walk in. he walks over, tried to hug and kiss me, i won't let him. i'm livid and ready to tell him to just fuck off. i start ripping into him, telling him everything i had wanted to tell him about how you don't go telling someone you love them and then treat them the way he treated me. blah blah blah. i'm getting to the part where i'm supposed to tell him to go fuck himself and walk away, but i stopped. i just looked at him and said, "the worst part is that you knew all along exactly how i felt. you know now exactly how i feel. but i never really knew what you felt." and he started to cry.

i took him to the midtown. everything was the way it should be - gladys was there, precious was there, my song came on the little jukebox sitting on the table, we ordered potato skins - i ate the middle, he ate the skin, he got a rum and coke and a heineken, i got a guiness. it was all the way it was before except i felt like my heart was going to fall right out of my chest. all i wanted was for things to go back. he kept apologising over and over, and i told him that i would have done anything for him, i would have given him anything he wanted, i was one of very very few people who would love him and love his flaws because he's beautiful, i didn't want to lose him, i wanted him in my life. and we agreed that we should slow down. and once that was said, the nite got easier.

we took a cab back to my apartment. i gingerly explained [ie: lied] to sara, one of my roommates, why will was back. i still haven't talked to jill, my other roommate, about it, because i haven't seen her. will slept over, left early the next morning promising he would be back after work. i didn't expect him to come back. but he did. sober. and he showed me his arms - no track marks. no track marks anywhere on his body. i cried and kissed the inside of his elbow. i know he's still using, but at least he's bumping it now instead of shooting up. i told him i started cutting again, and i showed him where, and he kissed the inside of my ankle where the cuts were. we came to an understanding then - we both have our addictions, and we'll be there for each other throughout it.

we got drunk yesterday afternoon and watched "the ice storm." i loved it, he hated it. later, we went to see "the passion of the christ" - he loved the gore, i was attracted to satan and sobbed through most of it. we both left wanting to go to church on sunday. maybe i will.

he slept over again last nite, and left early this morning to go to work. he's coming back after work to get his bike. he rode his bike all the way from ridley to my apartment yesterday. he was too tired [ie: hungover] to ride it to work today, so he's coming back after work. he left some clothes in my room, and i was folding them and caught his smell. i missed that so, so much. i sat there smelling his shirt, wondering what the hell i'm getting myself into.

what i missed the most was sleeping with him. not sex[although a close second...], but just sleeping with him. monday nite was strange, it was like we forgot, but he rolled over and held me and we just fit like we always did. we didn't move except once when he rolled on his back and told me to come over. he pulled me over, i was lying on his chest, and he whispered that he missed me, and we just fell asleep. woke up to the gorgeous sounds of jill, aka "old faithful" gagging in the bathroom as she brushed her teeth. ah, beauty.

so now... i have no idea what's going on. when he's high, it seems like we're back together, but when he's sober, it feels like we're just friends. but i don't even know what i want, so i guess the ambiguity is acceptable for right now. all i know is that he's back in my life, which is all i wanted, so i'll stop complaining and just be grateful someone was listening to me.

keep your fingers crossed.