lately, i've been struggling with my conscience over will. he's, i guess you could say, very misguided. he's had an inordinately difficult life, which is a long story in and of itself. he's exceptionally troubled, he's struggling with something fierce right now that i won't go into, simply to spare myself of more retribution that i really don't need.

but. he's a good boy. he asked me last nite why i was so good to him, and i really didn't know why. except that, inside of him, he's a beautiful, loving, giving person who genuinely cares for me. i know he has issues, i know he does things that should tell me to leave him. and i would, if it weren't for the amazing person he is underneath it all.

so, yeah - i've been fighting with my instincts over the past week or so. there are so many reasons why i should forget about him, one of the main reasons being that he didn't want a relationship. i knew this was only to spare my feelings, but it upset me that we were basically already in one, he just didn't want to put a name on it.

but things are better now. really. starting with the i love you incident. that day, though, was pretty upsetting. he left at one point to go take care of something, and as he was walking away i had to bite my tongue to keep myself from telling him that i loved him. it just popped into my mouth - i hadn't been thinking about it or anything, it was just there. and i'm still not sure if i meant it, but it felt right at the time.

i didn't say it, though. i couldn't. i was afraid.

when he came back, we were in my room, and he said it. i love you. but it was quiet and muffled, because he kissed me right after he said it, like he didn't want me to hear it. then, we were outside smoking, and he asked me if i was falling in love. i told him that i didn't know and i didn't want to think about it, because of the situation we were in. he let it go. we were walking into the kitchen, and he told me he was falling in love, and i admitted that i was, too, and we both just shook our heads. we knew it was the wrong time for all of this, especially since he was high.

but right before we left to go to chris's birthday party, i was sitting on the couch, eating. he came and sat beside me, was playing with my hair. just staring at me. and he smiled and said, "i love you, shitbrick." i started laughing, because he calls me that all the time, but then i realised what he said. "really?" i said. he said yeah, and i told him that i loved him, too. and he tucked my hair behind my ear, and he kissed me, and he just held me for a little while.

and then we went to chris's party with jackie and her friend, angela. i love me some jackie. i love drinking with her, she's an animal. everyone apparently loved will, even the guys, who i was terrified were going to rip into him. will almost beat the shit out of don, though, for looking at him the wrong way. but, it was a lot of fun, i'm glad i went. we left around 4, and had an interesting rest of the nite, but i'll spare you all the details. well, except those of you who already know, haha.

anyway. so, that was that. last nite was wonderful, though. really.

i had to work at 3:30 on barista, and i was exhausted. will came in around 4, and all he had to do was smile and say, "hey, angel," and i felt so much better. i know it's cheesy, but whatever. he sat there for 8 and a half hours while i worked. i don't know many people who would sit in a restaurant for 8 and a half hours just to keep me company. he was cute, though, because when it would get a little busy, he would come back and help me. he helped me clean at close, too, so i got out earlier than usual.

but, at one point, he said, "you know you're my girl, now, right?" so yeah. officially, he's my boyfriend, now. i can stop correcting people when they call him my boyfriend. because he is. for real.

it just sunk in, i'm sorry.

anyway. it's been so good since he said that, because we can say everything to each other that we couldn't before, because we were just 'friends.' he's so much more affectionate now, and i love it. every now and then, he'd lean over the bar and kiss me while i was washing glasses or getting a drink. he holds my hand now, he does all that cute shit that used to make me want to puke. i eat it all up, though, which surprises me.

it was funny, though, because everyone who was working last nite was a couple. it was will and i, jon and april, and dina and jose. weird... will said he thought that he and i made the best couple though, because how much more romantic can you get than doing whip-its together at work? hahaha, we're horrible.

he asked me what i wanted for christmas last nite, because we both hate valentine's day. so, we're just avoiding the name and calling it christmas. i'm buying him a north face fleece, because he really wants one - he's been whining about it almost since the day i met him - but they're expensive. he told me he was going to buy me paintbrushes, which i think is just fucking adorable, because he has no idea where to get them or what kind. i love it.

so, yeah... things have been good with him. he makes me happy. and that's all that should matter, in my eyes. i'm sick and tired of people upbraiding me for being with him. can't you just be happy for me?