so, we're just friends for now. we agreed that he's got too much on his plate right now to deal with a relationship, but we're too close now to just stop talking to each other. it wouldn't feel right to either of us to let each other go.

but at least he understands how i'm feeling. last nite he said, "baby, you know that if i wasn't dealing with this problem that i could give you so much more, i could give you everything you want and everything you need from me, and i wish i could do that now, but you know i can't." and, i do know that he can't give that to me, which is why i understand that we can't be together and that being his friend is better than not having him at all. he asked me just to stick by him, please just stick by him. and i will.

he came to work with me yesterday and sat at the bar for 6 hours while i ran barista. i love that so much... getting wrapped up in just how much i really abhor my job and everything about it, over-steaming milk to the point where it boils over and burns the fuck out of my hand, pulling a bad shot, spilling chai all over my shoes, dealing with bitchy customers who have to have their milk steamed in their own little pitcher and who have to then feel the weight of their cappuccino before approving it, contemplating hanging myself by my apron... and then looking over and seeing him sitting there laughing at me for getting so perturbed and discomposed over coffee. or, at closing time, detesting my job even more, coming this close to smashing all the coffee mugs because the dishwasher was too busy talking on the phone all nite to his highly prejudicial wife to wash the mugs properly, scraping up cosi shit from the dirty floors that smell like vagina gone bad that someone conveniently "forgot" to mop up last nite, knocking over and smashing a bottle of raspberry syrup all over my just-mopped floors, plunging the fuck out of the sinks because kevin's too cheap to get them fixed and now they're filled with last week's coffee grinds that just came bubbling up from the dark abyss of the sink trap, contemplating overdosing on urnex and glass sanitizer... and then he comes around behind me and puts his arms around me and restocks my milk for me and mops up the mess the raspberry syrup made all over my clean floors. i loved that. and i missed that. now, it's ok again.

it's hard, though. it's obvious that we want more. he still kisses me sometimes, and he still tells me that he loves me, and he still holds me in bed. we wake up in the morning and discover ourselves in highly compromising positions that we don't remember even getting into during the nite. but, we're not sleeping together. so, i guess you could say we're getting a lesson in tolerance right now. kinda sucks.

when we came home last nite, he went over to jill and sara and apologised for being an asshole to me and thanked them for looking out for me when i was upset. i don't know many people who will do that.

so... i'm looking forward to spring break because my roommates will be gone. i have the whole apartment to myself for a couple of days, and i know will's gonna be here for all of them. but, i'll be good.