if only you could see me right now - i look like shit. i feel horrible. i'm a fucking lunatic.

tonite i went with becky and jill to the cosi where i work to get dinner. but i really wanted to go because will said he was working tonite. so we get there, and he's not even working. no one even knew that he was supposed to work. so, i figure, maybe he just got confused.

and i felt terrible, because all i wanted to do was get the fuck out of there, get on a bus, and go down the the cosi on 12th street where he normally works. and i just wanted. to see him. last nite, he missed his train home and by the time we left, it was snowing, he didn't know where he was going or how he was getting there. and there's other stuff going on, but i can't talk about that with anyone. anyway, i didn't get to sleep last nite until 5 in the morning because i was so worried about him. i had this horrible feeling that something terrible happened to him, and usually i'm right when i get those feelings.

so, becky and jill leave to go to the basketball game. i, like a raving idiot, go stand outside in the 9 degree weather with no gloves or hat for 25 minutes waiting for the bus to take me to 12th street. i get to his cosi, and he's not there. i ask about him, and i'm told he's not working tonite.

well, fuck me.

i then buy a small tea that i know i don't want and just end up throwing it out before i even walk out of the door. i start walking to chestnut to get the bus to go back to my apartment, and realise 5 minutes later that i'm going in the wrong direction.

then, i get on the wrong bus. i realise this when i'm at 34th and spruce, so i get off. i need to go up 34th street, so i start walking. five minutes later, i realise i'm walking up fucking spruce street, not 34th. now, i'm at 36th and spruce and i can't feel my legs.

20 minutes later, i get in to my building. i can't move my fingers to get my keys in the door and my legs are burning. thank god, jill decided not to go to the basketball game, so she let me in after i fumbled with my keys outside the door for what seemed like forever. i've never been so glad to see her. she lets me in, and i just sit down on the couch and cry and cry and cry.

i've never chased someone like that before, and i was mortified about it until i talked to my mom. she came to pick me up, and i was a bloody mess, but she calmed me down. i was just so upset that i let myself get that crazy and fucking searched the city just because i wanted to see him.

if he ever found out, i'd die.

i feel like shit. i just finished my first substantial meal in three days and i feel like i'm going to throw it up. my head is pounding, i'm freezing, and i'm worried about him.

i don't know what the hell is going on with me.