it is ridiculous how much i am in love with john. smiling for an hour after he's gone, the sky is falling, tears in my eyes in love.

so happy that i feel like i'm going to explode.

i had no idea that something like this existed. they tell you about it, tell you how wonderful and warm it is, but no one can prepare you for or describe what this is really, really like.

i feel like i am finally beginning to heal. finally. after all these years and all of the blackness... it feels like it's safe enough now to let myself heal.

i told him about what i went through when i was young, and he didn't say anything. he put his hand on my knee. i've never felt so protected in my life. and amazingly, that was enough for me to feel like i can start letting it go. it's like holding your breath for 21 years and finally being able to exhale and let all of the bad go rushing out with your breath.

i'm going to hate myself tomorrow for writing all of this, but why not... why not just let it out?

this could quite possibly be one of the best days of my entire life.