here we go. in a nutshell, this is what happened.

i was out with john on a saturday night. linh called my cell phone and left a message saying it was important that we hang out the next day. i didn't think anything of it, i was actually worried that something might be wrong with her. the next day, i take the train home. linh wakes up when i get there and tells me that will has passed away.

his cousin [who i've met before] had come into cosi the night before and told some people who used to know will. linh talked to him for about 15 minutes about it. he told her that will was riding his bike home from work on the night of october 8th and was hit by a car on the corner of essington and bartram avenues. his face was so mutilated that they had to identify him by his teeth. at least he didn't suffer, though. he was cremated.

that's it. that's what happened.

and then i started to lose my mind a little bit. i don't know why it upset me or affected me this much, but it did. i couldn't deal with it. i had nightmares every night about it since i found out. the night before last was the first time i slept through the night since linh told me about it.

last weekend, john came over and made me dinner. we ate so much that we couldn't go out, we just laid around my apartment and watched sex and the city all night. we went to bed, and i fell right asleep. i thought since he was there that i would sleep through the night without a problem. then, at 4 in the morning, i woke up from one of the most horrific nightmares i've ever had. without going into a long-winded description of everything that happened in it, i'll just get to the point and say that in my dream will raped me twice. like... horribly. i got out of bed and sat in the living room and talked to dina. smoked a cigarette and went back to sleep.

i was afraid to go to sleep the next night. i haven't dreamt about it since then, but it scared the shit out of me. it's like he won't leave me alone.

however, it's been better lately. i'm doing ok. thank you to everyone who i ignored for the past couple of days while i figured shit out. i appreciate it. but i'm going to talk about other things, now, since i still can't talk about what happened in depth.

so, anyway. there's this girl whose name i will not disclose here, but take heart in the fact that i hate her. despise her. absolutely abhor her. a couple of you know who i'm speaking about. the end.

my apartment is a mess. i mean, like, shithole mess. must clean. and do dishes. and vacuum.

i may be dogsitting today.

i went to urban yesterday and bought black satin sheets and a grey velvet-on-one-side-soft-cotton-on-the-other-side quilt. my bed is sexy, now. who wouldn't want to have sex in that bed? maybe now when john wakes up in the morning with a kickstand i won't have to beg him to PLEASE JUST STICK IT THE FUCK IN. my god, i should be shot.

i think my out-of-control sex drive is killing my boyfriend. i should look into buying a vibrator.

speaking of vibrators, i spent a good 4 hours yesterday doing some research. i found out that there are not two different kinds of female orgasms, but three: clitoral, vaginal, and urethral. i did not know that the urethral orgasm existed. i'm quite disturbed by the idea of a urethral orgasm... i don't see how that could feel good. at all. wouldn't it just make you feel like you had to take a piss? i don't know. i suck.

for all of you who are wondering, dick cheney's got a huge dick.

john is coming with me to my grandmother's house for thanksgiving. i am very nervous about this. i think he's going to come over to my place tonight and we're going to leave early tomorrow morning. i hope this doesn't suck. christ.

i have nothing to do today. maybe i'll go peel the paint off of the bathtub. ta.