tickle me livid.

linh used to be so cool. then i moved in with her. jeffrey - being the fabulous, amazing, stupendous roommate that he is - gently nudged me awake today at 9:30 as i asked him to do last night. i get up off the couch - because that's where i've been sleeping since i don't have a bed yet - and see linh. in my shirt. my much-loved, expensive black and white express shirt. that is a million sizes too big for her... she looks like an asshole. i shoot jeff a nasty sideward glance, and she proceeds to say, "oh, i'm borrowing your shirt."

what. the fuck.

i'm borrowing your shirt? no, i don't know how your parents raised you, but you don't tell someone that you're borrowing their shirt. what you should have said was, "can i borrow your shirt?" and it would help if you didn't already have the damn shirt on your body before asking if you can borrow it.

and then as she's walking out the door, she pulls out my favorite black fuzzy slippers that my mother bought me and says, "and i'm borrowing your slippers. i want to wear them at work." i'm happy that you love your job and it's casual enough that you can wear slippers while you're there, but COME THE FUCK ON.

and then i go to my bedroom to find my cigarettes and the entire room has been rearranged so that now all of my shit must fit into a corner that is not, i might add, equal to half the room. my closet is on her side of the room.

i am ripping my hair out.

she tried to eat my food last night. she tried to wear my wool jacket the night before. she tried to wear my brand fucking new leather jacket to fucking wawa the night before that.

she puts lime juice on everything. pasta with garlic, olive oil, pepper, and LIME JUICE. she buys mango lime tropicana. her shampoo is lime scented.

she called me last night when i was on my way home from work to see if i had any money to buy her some fucking cheese for her fucking [disgusting] dill pasta salad. complete with a healthy dousing of LIME JUICE.

MOTHERFUCKER.

her boyfriend sentenced himself to death last night by telling her that he loved her. only took him a year. i don't think he knows that he has just arrived at his doom. a horrible, money-sucking, overly-demanding, boundary-disrespecting doom. he will wake up one morning and find himself horribly hung-over, over-sexed, rid of all of his worldy possessions and drowning. in lime juice. he will die a horrible, acidic death, regretting the day he ever laid eyes on that short, flaky, little vietnamese girl.

that is it. i am going to the hardware store this morning before work and buying a doorknob with a lock. which i will install on my bedroom closet. i will lock up everything that i own, and when she asks me about it, i will simply tell her that i am crazy and paranoid and don't want my stuff being stolen. a "just-in-case" kinda thing. i will put all of my food in the crisper drawers in the refrigerator with a lable reading my name stuck on the front of the drawers. i will rid this planet of limes. and possibly lemons, too. gotta cover my ass.

she told me not to watch the simple life around her. well, fuck you, dickface, i'll watch what i want to watch WHEN EVER THE FUCK I WANT TO WATCH IT because i pay as much rent as you do, and i actually pay it on time. what a novel idea.

the anger sharks are swimming in my head.

jeffrey and i are very passive-aggressive people. we spit in her orange juice and hide the oil paints from her instead of telling her not to eat our food and not to clean the paintbrushes covered in oil paint in the sink that is full of dishes that we eat off of. we thought this approach was working for a little while. she started to pay utilities and buy groceries.

and then i woke up this morning and wanted to punch her teeth in.

i. cannot live like this much longer.

jeff and i secretly went to the landlord's office yesterday and inquired about renewing the lease. come january, the only people on that lease will be jeffrey and i. not linh. that makes me feel better.

i called john to bitch, but he wasn't there. boo.

i want to cry.

suggestions are more than welcome...