fuck me and i have one week to move out and ahh i think i'm falling apart.

and my mom said today that the door isn't closed concerning me moving in with will and dina. she also said it wasn't open until she and my father met them, but at least it's not closed. i think i'm going to have will come over and help me move on sunday and maybe he can meet my parents then. or something, i don't know.

so, yeah. i'm moving home until i can find an apartment. and right now i would rather fucking IMPLODE than live at home again, so i'm desperately seeking a new place. keep your fingers crossed.

saw that new jim carrey flick last nite with will. so, so good. it made me very sad, though. there's this part where he says he wishes he knew his exgirlfriend when he was little and i cried and will grabbed at my leg during that part and i just thought about how good a friend he is.

the thing about me is that when i get depressed, i don't talk to anyone about it. i hate, hate, HATE talking about it. leave me the fuck alone, basically - i like to deal with it on my own. my mom is really the only person i go to when i get bad. i don't know why i'm like that, i just am. and i get fed up by numerous people telling me that i need to reach out when i get that depressed. and all i can think is - ...no. no. i don't need to do anything but shit and die, therefore i'm not required to talk to anyone about anything unless i want to.

anyway. the crux of the matter is that i don't like to be around anyone or talk to anyone when i find myself in the throes of shittiness. so, last nite, will and i get home from the movies and i'm in a shitty, shitty place. i think it's PMS, but i could be wrong as i've been having some severe mood swings for a while now. anyway. me last nite = shitty. we're outside smoking a cigarette, and the funniest fucking thing happened.

will: are you all right, babe?
kristin: [insert crazy person laughter] yeah. sure.
[silence]
will: are you a happy person?
kristin: [more crazy person laughter] no, not really. [pause] i never really was.
will: [quietly] ...i used to be.
kristin: i guess i'm lucky, because i don't really know what i'm missing.
will: that's still no good.
[long pause - kristin begins to cry a little] will: i kinda want to go to sleep and never wake up.
[at this point kristin loses it]
will: babe... [pause... comes over and hugs kristin] what's wrong? [no response] everything?
[kristin nods... they go inside, will still hugging kristin]

and so on and so forth. there doesn't seem to be anything strange about that whole interaction to anyone else, but it's so completely out of character for me to let anyone hug me when i'm that depressed and crying. i hate it. but for some reason, it was ok. and he kept on hugging me until i stopped. and here's the kicker - he told me that "everything will be ok... you're ok."

[insert trumpets, fanfare, applause, holy light from above, angels singing, jesus dancing on a cloud of gold, etc]

not only did he say the key phrase - everything will be ok. no, he told me that i am ok. never, never, never has anyone ever said that to me and i can't begin to tell you what it felt like to be told that i'm ok. because, clearly, i don't feel like i am.

and this is why he is important to me and why he is a big part of my life and why i can't lose him to hostility on everyone else's part.

three syllables and i've bound you to my heart.

maybe we met too early, i don't know. but we were thrown together for a reason, and i firmly stand by my belief that everything - EVERYTHING - happens for a reason.

and a damn good reason, at that.

hmmph.