so, let me explain...

will's cunty roommate, april, is basically in love with him. and she hates me, because he spends most of his time with me. therein lies her cuntiness. but anyway. she's in love with him, and has been for a while now. a few nites ago, they got into a huge fight over that, rent money, his mom, his priorities, etc etc etc. also, she's been kicked out of her apartment by her cunty old landlord, and has until april 1st to get out. all of this adds up to will sleeping at my apartment for the past four nites.

now, i'll admit, i blacklisted will around these parts when he was going through his little existential bout, i shitmouthed him to anyone who would listen, including the two girls i live with. therefore, when he showed up again, they were autimatically on the defense and ready to draw blood.

but he has more than made up for it. he hasn't been shooting heroin since the beginning of that little vacation of his, he's been bumping it instead. yes, he's still using. however. i've searched his entire body over and over again almost every time i see him and there are no track marks to be found. and snorting it is much better than tieing off in a crackhouse in north philly.

not only that, but he's been calling when he says he will and showing up when he says he will. he's been so good to me. he's been taking care of me, looking out for me, being a really good friend. so, i guess i haven't completely forgiven him yet for disappearing, but i know i'll be able to in time.

but, my roommates won't. they just fucking won't. i made the mistake of telling jill too much and letting her in too close, and now i'm paying for it. she doesn't trust him, doesn't want me to see him or be around him, doesn't want him in our apartment. of course, i told her that he's a big part of my life now right quick. with me comes will. as long as i'm living here, he's going to be here.

apparently, that shit ain't gonna fly with jill and sara.

last nite, will and i went to the diner for a little while and enjoyed gladys's company. the second we walk in my door, sara comes out and says that we better stay out of my bedroom because jill had a horrendous day and just recently went to sleep. she then proceeds to take me into her bedroom and, in so many words, kick me out of my apartment.

sunday morning, i left a note and my apartment keys in an envelope in my mailbox for will. i was going to be at the parade with my family and then go to work at 3:30. he was at the gallery and needed to shower and take a nap before coming to pick me up from work and go to saint jack's. so, i told him to come over because everyone would be gone and he could shower, eat something, and take a nap. i get this phone call from jill two minutes into the parade, tearing me a new one over this. sara can fly her 'boyfriend' out from california for a week - who she has only met TWICE and who neither jill nor i have yet met - give him a set of keys and let him be alone in our apartment, but will, who they have known for over two months can't do any of that. jill trusts sara's boyfriend more than will. can i just stress again the fact that we barely know this guy and he's alone in our apartment.

so, i try to explain the whole april situation to jill, and she says, "well, is he going to start paying rent if he's going to be sleeping here all the time?" yet her friend, becky, can stay over for five nites straight - sleeping in our room, using our shower, eating our food? well, fucker, why aren't you going to make becky pay rent, then, if she's going to be sleeping here all the time?

but i digress. so, i'm in sara's room with her and she tells me that jill found the note i left will with my keys, READ THE NOTE, and flipped out over it. sara then proceeds to tell me that she and jill have been very irritated for the past couple of weeks, she's tired of leaving me notes [chastising me for accidentally not locking the mailbox, for accidentally locking her out of the bathroom, for not washing my dishes, accusing me of using her shit, etc], tells me that maybe i'm not ready for this, and maybe it would be easier if i moved back in with my parents. she says that she and jill are extremely anal and jill's one of the best roommates she's ever had and she doesn't want jill to not re-new the lease with her. she tells me that there are plenty of people out there who can live like i do, just not them. in so many words - get out.

first of all, what the FUCK gives jill the right to read a note with will's name on it? seriously, what the fuck is that about? and where the FUCK does sara - who, mind you, is only one year older than me - get off telling me i'm not ready to live on my own? and, no, it would not be easier if i moved back in with my parents. maybe for you, but not for me. and what the fuck is this about lots of people being able to "live like you do?" how the hell do i live? like a street person?

i'm fucking 20 years old. if i want to come home drunk at 5 in the morning four nites a week and smoke weed and bring friends over, then i'm gonna fucking do it. i'm not 47 with three babies and a husband. i'm fucking young. i'm not gonna worry about washing my dishes two seconds after i use them or vaccuum up my crumbs the second they touch the floor or fold my clothes neatly in a pile and put them away right away. i have no reason to. jill knew i was a fucking slob, i fucking told her before i even moved in. why should i worry about being immaculately clean and tidy when i'm FUCKING 20 YEARS OLD?!

and of course, sara told me that will was a huge part of her problem with me living there. there would be no problem with it if he was a girl friend of mine. what it all boils down to is me helping a friend who needs me. if he doesn't stay here, he's going to be sleeping on a fucking park bench, for christ's sake.

so, that's what she tells me, in a nutshell. and i just stood there and took it. thanked her for being honest and frank with me, told her i would think about it all, and walked away.

needless to say, will was so good to me last nite. he didn't say anything, he just listened to me bitch. we sat in the living room whispering for an hour, and then he brought up the idea of the two of us living together. i know it sounds like a bad idea. i was hesitant at first, too. but he grabbed my face in his hands, stared right at me, and said he would make an honest effort to stop using if i would live with him. i'm the kind of person he needs in his life - someone who won't judge him and will listen to him and care for him and help him. that's what he said. he made a deal that if he stopped using, i would have to stop cutting. we'll help each other. he went on and on for a good 20 minutes listing all these reasons why it would work and how good it could be. i told him that i was afraid of getting hurt because of the way i feel for him, but he said he wasn't really out looking for a relationship anyway so there's really nothing to worry about.

so, i started to think about it. once i got over the initial fear of what everyone - especially my parents - would say and think about it, it kinda sorta makes sense in my mind. he told me i was his best friend, and i feel that close to him, too, and i really think it could work. we could keep each other out of trouble. i can keep him occupied, help him get back on his feet. he wants to help me with school. he wants it to work, and so do i, and i'm scared, but i really really want to move in with him.

and not because i want a relationship with him. this isn't about me moving in with my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, or my potential boyfriend. it's me moving in with someone who i haven't felt this close to in a while. it's me moving in with a really, really good friend. it's me moving in with someone who can offer me the same amount of support that i can offer him.

call me crazy. but i want this.

we walked back to the diner [which is roughly 30 city blocks away, mind you] at 3 am with a paper and sat there looking for an apartment. they're in sketchy neighborhoods, but look where i'm living now. we started to get excited about it, which put me in a much better mood for the time being.

i mentioned it to my mom today, and i think i can win her over. it's my dad i'm worried about.

we were waiting for the bus to go back to my apartment and he smiled and looked at me and said, "i'll fill my void with you."