so i don't even really want to go out with john... unless i'm drunk with lin. then, all of a sudden, he's the only guy for me. but yeah... he's ok, i guess, but he's not really the guy i want to be with right now.

but since that person is being an absolute douchebag, i don't really know what else to do or say to him.

i was so, so happy and, gee, that lasted a long, what, day and a half?

i decided that i should start putting expiration dates on my offers. you get a week, a week and a half if i really like you, and then fuck-you-i'm-moving-on-kiss-my-ass-goodbye-you-flaming-dickbag. which is how i'm starting to feel about joe right now.

i shouldn't let a guy make me this upset. if he wants to fuck around and dilly dally and miss out, that's his fucking problem, NOT. MINE. i'm not a scary person. i'm not threatening him within an inch of his life. in-fucking-fact, i'm flattering and complimenting the absolute SHIT out of him. i haven't stroked an ego like this in a long time, and i'm pretty sick of him playing his little fucking scared puppy dog games.

GROW. A. SET.

i had the worst nite of sleep last nite. it was a druggy sleep, even though i wasn't on anything. i just kept dreaming about this guy mike who's in lin's band who i knew 4 years ago. i used to have an enormous crush on him, and it's coming back more and more every time i see them play. his little underaged, shit girlfriend with the bi-colored, greasy hair and very played out, passe bondage pants was throwing me dirty looks all nite, even though i specifically stayed away from mike because she was there. mike's amp broke, so he couldn't play for half the show, but the singer [mike subvert] kept making him sing with him instead of sitting on the stage looking all depressed. subvert was singing this song lin wrote called, "slut," and kept choking mike and shoving him into my pelvis. i, of course, did not move, but took it like an self-respecting sexually frustrated leo would. fuck if his little girlfriend didn't look like she was going to run over and try to suffocate me with her obscenely large tits.

i hate her.

it's strange, though, and i'm not the only one who noticed this. mike makes it clear that he has a girlfriend. very clear. yet, whenever i'm around, he likes to act like he doesn't. they have this one song called, "peggy sue," that's really great. and it's all about this guy who's making someone fall in love with him. well, it's a good thing his girlfriend was outside smoking a cigarette during that song, otherwise she would have seen mike staring at me the whole time he was singing it. this kid was seriously up in my face mouthing the words, and lin is just looking at me, like... what the fuck is going on?

it's awkward to say the least.

so because i get this i have a girlfriend but i'd do you anyway feeling from him, i had this dream last night that entailed just that. i mean, i would wake up every hour, fall back asleep, and just pick up right where i left off. it was uncomfortable. i slept like shit. like i had taken too much endocet or something.

speaking of which, i have no more drugs. and that makes me sad, because i don't want to feel like this right now.

i feel like i'm doing something wrong by going out with john... like i'm leading him on or something. he's a really great guy, i should be happy that he's showing interest in me. and i am, to an extent. i just wish it was someone else.

i really want to hate him right now. for doing this.

pussy.