it hurts so. much tonight that it's taking everything in me not to just walk out of my house and lie down in the middle of the street.

i know i'm supposed to let him go, but i would take him back in a heartbeat. a heartbeat. i don't care anymore that he's a heroin addict. i don't care that he doesn't go to school, i don't care that he's broke, i don't care that he's in a dead-end job. i just want him back. i want him back so badly that i'd give everything i have up.

he has everything i could ever give anyone, anyway. i gave it all to him, and i should hate him for taking it and running away with it. but if he wanted to come back i would take him.

i would have done anything for him. and i really, truly believe that if he wasn't dealing with addiction that he would have done the same for me. a person can say anything without meaning it, but they can't look at you the way he used to look at me and not mean it.

i remember the night that we laid in bed for a half an hour while he just cried and cried. i wiped his tears away, i held him, and waited until he was done. you don't open up like that to just anyone.

i want to believe that everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, but i can't. it's impossible. i can't explain how i know, but it was in the way he would look at me, the way he would kiss me, the way he would hold me when he slept.

and i can't stop fucking crying. it never ends. i feel so empty, like i'm missing a piece of myself. it feels like i'm falling apart, like i have nothing left holding me together. i have nothing.

it was so good. we were so good. we just worked.

we fit.

perfectly.

i would do anything. anything. to have him back.